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Relationship therapy can help you both individually and together – to think about what happened, find more effective ways to communicate about how this has affected you, to give voice to unpleasant feelings and emotions, and to look for ways forward (if this is what you both still want).

Your wife may well have questions about what happened that she wants answers to, which you may or may not be willing or able to provide.

In such cases additional help through therapy or mediation may be beneficial.

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Being able to talk through what happened with people taking responsibility for their actions while avoiding blame can be a very tall order - one that is not always welcome when a relationship is in crisis and where those who have been hurt may simultaneously want to both shame and stay with their spouse.

People can get stuck in situations where they deny problems exist or refuse to forgive a partner.

Together or individually you may want to use the following resources to reflect on your relationship and find more effective ways to communicate: Meg Barker’s book Rewriting the Rules (particularly Chapters 6-9) The Couple Connection has forums, resources and a helpline (free) you may want to use individually or together.

This may be particularly useful if you are unable to afford therapy or need some assistance in preparing to speak to a therapist about what happened.

Some people find this task easy by writing wish lists.

Others prefer to draw on examples from relationships in film, music, or through people you know who seem to have relationships you admire.

You should look for a therapist who’ll encourage you both to be assertive, confident and to take responsibility for your actions rather than encouraging disclosure without any sense of how that will help you heal the relationship.

It is fine to speak to several therapists while you find one that suits you both best.

If it meant nothing (as you say) what were the circumstances that led to the online relationship developing and why did it continue in secret? It may clarify things further if you tell each other what you would like to have heard but as yet have not been told by the other in regards to this situation.

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