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The bizarre: One of the possible hobbies is “weather.” An extensive haircut section has over 30 options. The gist: Another site where non-paying members can only send brief, canned messages (one says “I like your profile, and would welcome further contact when you are divorced”). The good: Finally, one that doesn’t make my eyes bleed from its design.

(I select “undetectable toupee.”) A solar aficionado is looking for “A Goddess that longs for her animal beast to ravage her and share that tender smooth touch in the pale moon light.” Verdict: I search for guys 25 to 35 in Seattle and get four results. One has been on the site in the past three months: a 33-year-old with a snake. (Instead, this one does it with quotes like “Make every day earth day” and shit about Nature painting miracles in the sky.) The bad: My search doesn’t turn up many potential matches, but there a shirtless guy showing off his Chinese-symbol bicep tattoo.

Although this site boasts lots of members, I don’t feel optimistic since (yet again) I’d have to pay to message people.

You can always wax passionate about bike lanes in your profile and attract like-minded lovahs that way.

Age 45 From Ashford, United Kingdom Online - 4 days ago Woman Seeking Man (878 Kilometers Away) I think it is always quite difficult to describe yourself. I'm a peaceful person and enjoy the good things in life.

Most were apparently designed by an 8-year-old with a Mac from 1992, back when animated GIFs were cool and a rotating smiley was the pinnacle of innovation.) The gist: This one seems reputable, if a bit skewed toward 40-year-olds who like swimming with the dolphins. The bad: Non-paying members can only send one of 13 short, canned messages, like “I feel a nice connection with you after reading your profile.” The bizarre: Verdict: There are only seven guys in Seattle between the ages of 25 and 35 whose profiles include a photo.

It’s free to join and browse, but paying $17 for a one-month membership means you can actually (gasp! Five users express interest in me, but only one is on the West Coast, a vegan ecologist/drummer who lives several hours away.

Featured users seem younger and hotter than on other sites. The bizarre: I am “hotlisted” by a creepy exhibitionist Texan.

And it gets points for being R-rated; one optional profile question is “Favorite on-screen sex scene? The verdict: I send 14 winks, two kisses, and one of my two free messages, and get a tentatively promising reply.

Magician, ninja, pirate at heart, vampire, or werewolf? And you can do nine things to a user, including smooch, sniff, punch repeatedly, or pray for.

The bad: So many unsightly Google ads, I’d rather find love in a phone book.

I’m barely flexible enough to sit in a chair.) What’s a green single with wifi to do? Sacrificing my dignity for your carnal pleasure, I joined five green dating sites under the name “sustainabanger” and exploited their free features in search of Seattle-area love.

(Warning: If you’ve ever stabbed your eyes with a trident — the stabby thing, not the gum — that’s what looking at these sites feels like.

While I still have a puny shard of hope that I’ll hear from the Planet Earth guy, and Act for Love wasn’t totally a bust, overall I’m underwhelmed.

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