Approach avoidance dating

Contact is reciprocal, time is made to see each other, and forward movement is evident. The hot phase is designed to get you in the gate that leads to the corral, where you'll later be harnessed. Your partner begins to pull away making you long for their previous attention.Whether initiated by a cold-shoulder, avoidance, or lack of communication... This phase activates loss, making you yearn for them and wait with bated breath for their call or text. These are the basic dance steps to this type of behavior. This formula is predictable and consistent even when your partner's reactions are not.

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Some examples are to attempt to pay for an item at a store when you don’t have your wallet, to go to a drug store and loudly ask for extra small condoms, or sing loudly to yourself in public.

These are entertaining ways to get used to the feeling of being evaluated, judged, or rejected, and they change the way you feel about challenging social situations.

Our automatic response is to chase when the "other" pulls away.

What was once readily available is suddenly gone, and no matter how hard we try to regain our partner's former affection, it now seems beyond our reach. They don't need more time to figure out their emotions. The phases of Hot and Cold: The "hot" phase begins with a bang of overwhelming recognition. Bathed in newfound attention, flattery and flirtation spark a strong attraction for this person.

By dealing with being judged over and over, you realize that it isn’t actually that bad, and it’s something you can handle. Doing all these things are more uncomfortable in the short term, but in the long term, counteract the thinking and avoidance behavior that makes social anxiety so powerful.

The fear and avoidance lessen the more you do it, and over time this translates to other areas of your life. Don’t agree with people if you don’t actually mean it. As with any important life change, thinking about it isn’t important.

It's long been the rule that when dating someone whose behavior is marked by hot and cold reactivity, you're standing on shaky ground.

This is the core thinking of the partner who initiates hot/cold, and serves as their safety net to vulnerability. Because relationship uncertainty makes human beings yearn for stability.

Anxiety becomes a problem when it leads to avoidance.


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